A HausFrau's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse, Part One

HausFrau Keighley says, "An empty wine bottle works wonders for bludgeoning those zombies-- so start drinking, Ladies-- the welfare of your family depends on it!"

Sad day-- your neighborhood is being invaded by zombies! Don't worry, everyone goes through this at one point in his or her life. So, stop your pouting! Being a sally sad sack or a grumplestilskin is going to do you no good! In my first installment in teaching you how to deal with these bothersome bullies, we'll discuss the HausFrau's arsenal!

Tips and Tricks!

Besides the good ol’ “bottle-as-bludgeoner”, a prepared HausFrau has many tools at her disposal to keep her sweet little home safe from those nasty zombie invaders. 

Fruitcake. Hooray! Now we have a way to use Aunt Mildred’s annual “gift” to maim/kill some zombie folk. There are several different methods for using fruitcake as a weapon.

1.  Just lob it at their head. 6 or 7 pounds of congealed, hardened fruitcake is enough to knock out Mike Tyson, if you have the right technique. 
2.  If you doubt your lobbing ability, drill a small hole in your fruitcake, pack some gunpowder in it, light a cigarette, jam that in the hole, and chuck it at an approaching hoard. Not only will the explosion probably take down a dozen or so of those flesh-eaters, but the pieces of sharpened fruit shrapnel will embed themselves in the eyes and brains of the far away zombies.  And even if that doesn’t do them in, it should at least slow them down.
3. For those zombies that get close enough (did you even try my other two techniques?), the answer is simple: just make them eat it. I’m a firm believer that fruitcake is inedible, and probably poisonous. Tell them it’s the “Brain du jour”, watch them chow down and then keel over. Use zombie bodies as a barricade against future zombies.

Pots, Pans, and rolling pins. Maybe you don’t have any fruitcake, or ‘chuckin’ fruitcake’ isn’t in your skill set. No matter what the issue, the zombies are getting closer. These three items are not only a staple to a good HausFrau, but are some of the most obvious weapons you have in your arsenal. How many movies have you seen where a belligerent house wife saves her husband/child/lover/friendly neighbor/pet by hitting the back of some murderer’s head with one of these heavy must-haves? After wards, feel free to mutter something really witty before slicing their heads off with a knife, like “Hope you like it well-done” or “The special today is a warm pan of Ijustknockedyouthefuckout”.  

Corncob Holders. If the pans and rolling pins didn’t work, or if, God forbid, you don’t own any of these items, the zombies will be closing in on you. At this point, you’re pretty much screwed, but if you wanna go down with a fight, grab a handful of these bad boys for some eye jabbin’. If you get them in deep enough, you might hit a vital part of the zombie to take them down long enough to escape. If, however, that doesn’t work, how about…

Alcohol! Not for the zombies, of course, but for you. Go to town and drink like a college co-ed on spring break. Maybe the zombies will sense that your booze-addled brain is not really worth trying to eat. Also, if you can’t take your liquor and end up puking on them, perhaps you can light them on fire. Of course, you might die as well in the flames, not being able to make your legs move correctly, but hey—you tried. Gold star for effort!

Cheers!

HausFrauKeighley