 | ||
| [feel free to let guests lick the spoon you stir the drinks with, for that authentic, "baking-a-cake" feel!] |
So, what does a HausFrau do after over half a year of no new entries with absolutely no explanation? Offer no apologies and don't address it at all, ever again!
Summertime is here, and although we've all made it through the holidays and dealt with reanimated turkeys, robot Santas, and that pesky yet persistent overweight baby with a quiver we all know as Cupid, Summer brings with it a whole host of its own problems! For instance:
- Temporary Blindness due to pasty-white, shiny legs and bodies stuffed into too-tight daisy-dukes and halter tops like so much sausage into a very weak, seam-splitting casing by an unfortunately untalented butcher (luckily, this one can mostly be avoided by not shopping at Wal-Mart)
- High Schoolers running amok in the neighborhood reacting with mirth and merriment rather than confusion and surprise when you spray them with a hose to get them away from your house/mailbox/driveway/street
- Greedy, grimy little grubs that make their way into your kitchen and chew away at anything worthwhile
- Bugs (the above referring to, of course, those little chubby things we call 'children')
Today, we shall focus on the last in my abbreviated list: Bugs! This is the time that all of those creepy crawlies and buzzing bastards come out to play, and are hell bent on ruining your afternoon, garden party, grill out, campfire-- really, anything they possibly can!
Now, I know all you hopeful HausFriends out there are excitedly waiting for me to tell you what products work to completely isolate, eradicate, and eliminate the insects, but I have bad news: it cannot be done. However, I can let you in on a way to keep yourself from having to deal with them, using:
The Art of a Little Friendly Sabotage
Gasp! I know-- the idea of sabotage seems very UN-ladylike, but let me assure you, you aren't going to seriously sabotage just anybody. This tactic is reserved for those people that you either simply can't stand, or have wronged you in some way. For example:
- Your Hausband, once again forgetting to put the seat down/forgetting your anniversary/etc
- Your Mother-in-law, who commented on how your outfit choice for the family reunion was "interesting"
- Your pesky, 'perfect' little neighbor, who slipped into conversation down at the mailbox, "Gee, your grass sure is getting preeeetty long"
- That woman who showed up to the party a week and a half after having triplets, is a size zero, and is complaining about how she just isn't sure that her two nannies are going to get along that well on their upcoming two-month cruise excursion to the Grecian Isles
- The person from the office who keeps stealing your food from the fridge but won't admit to it
Really, the possibilities are endless!I'm sure, when confronted, many of these people would chalk it up to a silly misunderstanding, and that you're probably overreacting. Instead of trying to talk to any of these people (who won't listen to your flawless reasoning), let's just do a "Little Friendly Sabotage".
Step one!
Get yourself a nice, big bear of honey. You could use any regular container of honey, but the bear helps add to the "friendliness" of the sabotage.  |
| [delicious, delicious honey bear] |
 |
| [a good hausfrau loves her honeybear] |
Step Two!
Grab any lotions or face washes that you know your "special guest" will use. Make sure you mark these so you can tell them apart from your normal lotions! This is a very important step to avoid a horrible backfiring on your end.
 | |
| [lotion and face wash] |
Step Three!
Grab your trusted wooden spoon! If you don't have one, you have absolutely no right to call yourself a "Haus" anything. Move away from the computer, go to your nearest store and purchase one, slap yourself in the face with it for being a fool without a wooden spoon for so long, and continue reading.
If you *do* have a wooden spoon (good job, HausFriend), go ahead and mix the honey and lotion or face wash together, and then return to the original container.
 |
| [if you haven't slapped at least one person with a wooden spoon, you have not lived] |
Step Four!
Make sure to continually offer that product to the special guest while they are at your house. If they are reluctant to use the lotion or wash their face, make sure to peer in close to them, study their face, and say things like, "Ooooh, the summer is really taking a toll on your skin, huh? That has to be rough", or, "Did you just come from working in a coal mine? I hear that stuff reaaaaally clogs up pores".
Step Five!
Enjoy as your special guest is attacked by ants and bombarded by bees. To add to your absolute delight in the situation, feel free to throw in a zinger to add insult to injury, such as "I hear bees are really attracted to sluts!" or "Ants have a sixth sense to know when someone is experiencing erectile dysfunction!
Happy Summer, and Cheers!
HausFrau Keighley
