HausFrau Keighley says, "Always break eggs over the trashcan or garbage disposal, in case your regular chicken eggs were replaced with incubating monsters. One can never be too careful!"
As a first in a new series beginning here at HausFrau Keighley, "In case of...", I will be sharing how you can protect yourself, family and home from different possible invaders. Today, we focus on dinosaurs!
In the off (but not impossible) chance that dinosaurs invade your neighborhood, it's better to be prepared than not! So, my HausFriends, let's take a look at what you can do to protect your house from those Jurassic Jerks!
The first and most obvious option is dressing up as a dinosaur, learning how to enjoy eating leafy plants/smaller dinosaurs, and try to live among them. If, however, herd life is not appealing, here are a few other ideas! Enjoy!
-If you have any extra vegetation around your house, now is the time to utilize it! Rake as much of it as you can to the front of your house, and start gluing/sticking/arranging it so that your house is camouflaged. If dinosaurs are wandering around the neighborhood, it's very likely that they're confused and disoriented by the time travel. That, or they've been hatched and grown in a lab, and so they'll be disoriented anyways by being let out into the world. After the first house, I assume they'll have learned (I imagine they're smart) that the big boxes have little people inside. But if you hide those boxes behind trees and leaves (but not that smart) you should be fine!
- Goats*. Unfortunately, there needs to, at some point, be a sacrifice. Now, don't get me wrong. I like goats, but I like my life a bit more. If you leave a goat out front-- a few hundred yards away though, you don't want them getting TOO close to your house-- they should eat it, take their little snack and be on their way. To those big boxes of yummy people (who are your neighbors, by the way-- they should have done the goat! you warned them! ...or didn't, which was an evil genius kind of move). Of course, you may want to have a kennel of back-up goats. They might start to expect their midday treats. 'If you give a mouse a cookie', and so forth. Just...on a much larger, scarier scale.
-Coat yourself in T-rex urine**. Or...stegosaurus urine. Or maybe your own urine. You know what, give your significant other a ton of liquor, and let them go crazy 'marking their territory'. I mean, if we've got dinosaurs running around, no one is going to really comment on the fact that your house smells like pee. In fact, if anyone comes around, they're probably coated in it too, and won't judge you. And then you can all drink together, and make sure your house is "extra" protected.
-Last but not least, you need alcohol. How else are you going to be able to mark enough territory to keep the dinosaurs away? Plus...there's a fuckin' T-rex nomming on your garden gnomes outside your window. I say gin is in order!
Hope that helped!
Cheers!
HausFrau Keighley
**I looked it up-- "Jurassic Park 3" tells me that it's T-rex urine. But, you know, better safe than sorry.
In the off (but not impossible) chance that dinosaurs invade your neighborhood, it's better to be prepared than not! So, my HausFriends, let's take a look at what you can do to protect your house from those Jurassic Jerks!
The first and most obvious option is dressing up as a dinosaur, learning how to enjoy eating leafy plants/smaller dinosaurs, and try to live among them. If, however, herd life is not appealing, here are a few other ideas! Enjoy!
-If you have any extra vegetation around your house, now is the time to utilize it! Rake as much of it as you can to the front of your house, and start gluing/sticking/arranging it so that your house is camouflaged. If dinosaurs are wandering around the neighborhood, it's very likely that they're confused and disoriented by the time travel. That, or they've been hatched and grown in a lab, and so they'll be disoriented anyways by being let out into the world. After the first house, I assume they'll have learned (I imagine they're smart) that the big boxes have little people inside. But if you hide those boxes behind trees and leaves (but not that smart) you should be fine!
- Goats*. Unfortunately, there needs to, at some point, be a sacrifice. Now, don't get me wrong. I like goats, but I like my life a bit more. If you leave a goat out front-- a few hundred yards away though, you don't want them getting TOO close to your house-- they should eat it, take their little snack and be on their way. To those big boxes of yummy people (who are your neighbors, by the way-- they should have done the goat! you warned them! ...or didn't, which was an evil genius kind of move). Of course, you may want to have a kennel of back-up goats. They might start to expect their midday treats. 'If you give a mouse a cookie', and so forth. Just...on a much larger, scarier scale.
-Coat yourself in T-rex urine**. Or...stegosaurus urine. Or maybe your own urine. You know what, give your significant other a ton of liquor, and let them go crazy 'marking their territory'. I mean, if we've got dinosaurs running around, no one is going to really comment on the fact that your house smells like pee. In fact, if anyone comes around, they're probably coated in it too, and won't judge you. And then you can all drink together, and make sure your house is "extra" protected.
-Last but not least, you need alcohol. How else are you going to be able to mark enough territory to keep the dinosaurs away? Plus...there's a fuckin' T-rex nomming on your garden gnomes outside your window. I say gin is in order!
Hope that helped!
Cheers!
HausFrau Keighley
*You can substitute any barnyard/medium sized animal-- just don't make it a fake one. They'd probably be pissed that you thought they weren't smart enough to figure out is was fake, and then eat you anyways.
