Pesky Summer Bugs!

HausFrau Keighley says, "Instead of baking a cake for dessert when you have guests over, just give them cake vodka! All of the flavor, none of that messy work!"

[feel free to let guests lick the spoon you stir the drinks with, for that authentic, "baking-a-cake" feel!]

So, what does a HausFrau do after over half a year of no new entries with absolutely no explanation? Offer no apologies and don't address it at all, ever again!

Summertime is here, and although we've all made it through the holidays and dealt with reanimated turkeys, robot Santas, and that pesky yet persistent overweight baby with a quiver we all know as Cupid, Summer brings with it a whole host of its own problems! For instance:

• Temporary Blindness due to pasty-white, shiny legs and bodies stuffed into too-tight daisy-dukes and halter tops like so much sausage into a very weak, seam-splitting casing by an unfortunately untalented butcher (luckily, this one can mostly be avoided by not shopping at Wal-Mart)
• High Schoolers running amok in the neighborhood reacting with mirth and merriment rather than confusion and surprise when you spray them with a hose to get them away from your house/mailbox/driveway/street
• Greedy, grimy little grubs that make their way into your kitchen and chew away at anything worthwhile
• Bugs (the above referring to, of course, those little chubby things we call 'children')

Today, we shall focus on the last in my abbreviated list: Bugs! This is the time that all of those creepy crawlies and buzzing bastards come out to play, and are hell bent on ruining your afternoon, garden party, grill out, campfire-- really, anything they possibly can!

Now, I know all you hopeful HausFriends out there are excitedly waiting for me to tell you what products work to completely isolate, eradicate, and eliminate the insects, but I have bad news: it cannot be done. However, I can let you in on a way to keep yourself from having to deal with them, using:

 The Art of a Little Friendly Sabotage 

Gasp! I know-- the idea of sabotage seems very UN-ladylike, but let me assure you, you aren't going to seriously sabotage just anybody. This tactic is reserved for those people that you either simply can't stand, or have wronged you in some way. For example:

• Your Hausband, once again forgetting to put the seat down/forgetting your anniversary/etc
• Your Mother-in-law, who commented on how your outfit choice for the family reunion was "interesting"
• Your pesky, 'perfect' little neighbor, who slipped into conversation down at the mailbox, "Gee, your grass sure is getting preeeetty long"
• That woman who showed up to the party a week and a half after having triplets, is a size zero, and is complaining about how she just isn't sure that her two nannies are going to get along that well on their upcoming two-month cruise excursion to the Grecian Isles
• The person from the office who keeps stealing your food from the fridge but won't admit to it

Really, the possibilities are endless!I'm sure, when confronted, many of these people would chalk it up to a silly misunderstanding, and that you're probably overreacting. Instead of trying to talk to any of these people (who won't listen to your flawless reasoning), let's just do a "Little Friendly Sabotage".

Step one! 

Get yourself a nice, big bear of honey. You could use any regular container of honey, but the bear helps add to the "friendliness" of the sabotage.

[delicious, delicious honey bear]

[a good hausfrau loves her honeybear]

Step Two!

Grab any lotions or face washes that you know your "special guest" will use. Make sure you mark these so you can tell them apart from your normal lotions! This is a very important step to avoid a horrible backfiring on your end.

[lotion and face wash]

Step Three!

Grab your trusted wooden spoon! If you don't have one, you have absolutely no right to call yourself a "Haus" anything. Move away from the computer, go to your nearest store and purchase one, slap yourself in the face with it for being a fool without a wooden spoon for so long, and continue reading.

If you *do* have a wooden spoon (good job, HausFriend), go ahead and mix the honey and lotion or face wash together, and then return to the original container. 

[if you haven't slapped at least one person with a wooden spoon, you have not lived]

Step Four!

Make sure to continually offer that product to the special guest while they are at your house. If they are reluctant to use the lotion or wash their face, make sure to peer in close to them, study their face, and say things like, "Ooooh, the summer is really taking a toll on your skin, huh? That has to be rough", or, "Did you just come from working in a coal mine? I hear that stuff reaaaaally clogs up pores".

Step Five!

Enjoy as your special guest is attacked by ants and bombarded by bees. To add to your absolute delight in the situation, feel free to throw in a zinger to add insult to injury, such as "I hear bees are really attracted to sluts!" or  "Ants have a sixth sense to know when someone is experiencing erectile dysfunction!

Happy Summer, and Cheers!

HausFrau Keighley

HausFrau Keighley: In case of...Your Thanksgiving Turkey Reanimating Itself and Trying to Kill Your Whole Family

HausFrau Keighley says, "You should never drink while using a large knife-- therefore, make sure you drink before, after, or both!"

[before]

[during the use of the knife]

[after]

As the holidays draw nearer, I'm sure all of my HausFriends out there have different worries on their mind:

• Will I finish cooking everything I need to?
• Am I going to be able to fit in my favorite jeans on Friday?
• Is Uncle Bert going to try to set me on fire again? (No? Maybe just me...) 

However, I know the real issue that has all of you fretting is the annual, and very common, "What will I do if my Thanksgiving Turkey reanimates itself and tries to kill my entire family?" Luckily, HausFrau Keighley is here for you! I will tell you exactly how to deal with this situation, and in a way that will keep you from breaking a sweat and ruining your hair!


First off, the main advantage that you have is that the zombie Turkey, instead of having feet to stand on, will have nubby bone legs. Once it stands and tries to lunge after you and yours, it's balance will be very thrown off and it's attack will be poorly executed. If your Thanksgiving fare is anything like mine, you will find that you have limitless tools to defend with.

• First off, while the Turkey is in the process of reanimating (which could take anywhere between 10 seconds to 3 minutes--depending, of course, how long you cooked it, and what you basted it with) grab your cranberry sauce, throw it in the microwave, nuke it for about 30 seconds, and then chuck it at the legs of the Turkey. Not only will it be slippery and difficult for the Turkey to stand, but once the sauce starts to congeal, it will make it hard for the Turkey to continue stumbling. Along this line of thought, I would also suggest dumping the gravy along it's path.
• Next, have everyone at the table push as many random items toward the Turkey to barricade it in the middle of the table so it's easier to attack. Have Grandma roll the rolls at it, your Aunt flick potatoes at it's chest, and your nephew and niece stuff stuffing in it's neck hole. Anything you can do to make that Turkey heavier and ungainly will make it easier to defeat.
• The next step is one of the most obvious: grab your knife, and do your best to stab the Turkey. If it's too wobbly and tricky to make a connection, move to your next best tool:
• Electric Carving Knife-- it's like a chainsaw! Just...on a much smaller, cuter scale. Accuracy isn't as much the aim as just hitting the Turkey at all. Everyone knows that to kill a zombie, you cut off it's head. Unfortunately, a Turkey's head is already cut off, so your best bet is just to dismember as much of it as possible. Of course, if all of this fails, your last (and, as always, best!) resort is to use...

[drumroll please!]

• Alcohol! Take a swig of some vodka, spit it at the Turkey, and light that sucker on fire! I would tell you just to throw the bottle or pour it on it, but this way you get to at least enjoy the taste before losing it all. And, of course, while your Zombie Turkey is all aflame, struggling to stumble through what remains of your Thanksgiving dinner, go ahead and take another swig-- a few, if you can. With all the hungry, terrified relatives you have left to feed, you're going to need it!

[hausfrau and defeated turkey carcass]

Happy Thanksgiving, and Cheers!

HausFrau Keighley

HausFrau vs Housewife...Decorating!

HausFrau Keighley says, "The best part of decorations is that they hide the dust!"

[housewife and hausfrau]

Last time you saw Housewife, we introduced you to some of the general points of opposition between her and your typical HausFrau. Today, we narrow the focus a bit in another new series here on HausFrau:

HausFrau vs. Housewife

The focus of this week? Decorating!

Let's begin!

A Housewife chooses decorations based on how pleasing they are to the eye, and whether or not they mesh with the color scheme of the room and season.

[housewife]

A HausFrau chooses decorations based on whether or not she can successfully store booze in them!

[hausfrau]

A Housewife picks characters that will be pleasant and non-threatening toward children, and invoke a sense of nostalgia for all adults.

[housewife]

A HausFrau chooses characters that can become anthropomorphic, sentient drinking buddies with enough spiked eggnog.

[hausfrau]

A Housewife's decorating motto is, "Less is More!"

[housewife]

A HausFrau's decorating motto is, "Go Big or Go Home!"

[hausfrau]

Cheers!

HausFrau Keighley 

(and Housewife!)

Too Much To Do-- Must Clone Myself.

HausFrau Keighley says, "If you've got too much work to do, cloning yourself is a viable option to get it all done!"

In today's adventure, I will show you what it is like to clone yourself to help out! 

The best thing about a MiniHaus is that is enables you to do everything twice as fast.

With two people mixing, instead of stirring for ten minutes, it's cut down to five!

However, that increased speed can also mean that more batter will fly out and hit one of you. And, since your MiniHaus is smaller (less target space), it's more likely to hit you.

And, of course, since you cloned yourself, your MiniHaus is also chock full of sarcasm. Expect laughter, not sympathy.

With a MiniHaus, you both get to check to make sure there is no poison, so your family is doubly safe!

But the best part of having a MiniHaus?

You get to purchase twice the amount of alcohol, and in mini-me sizes!

However, since they're so small, their system probably couldn't handle it...

So you get to drink all of it! 

If they try to fight you on it, stick out your arm, hold their head, and drink while giggling and watching their tiny little legs and fists flail about ineffectively.

Viola!

My adventures with a MiniHaus.

Cheers!

HausFrau Keighley (and minihaus!)

(Big thanks to my friends Adam and Bekah for letting me borrow their adorable daughter-- the muffins turned out excellent!)

So...just who can be 'Haus'?

HausFrau Keighley says, "If you stand while eating, you only get half the calories!"

I've been asked by people if they can be considered a "HausFrau", if they aren't married. The sad answer is no, they can't.

The good news, however, is that they still can be 'Haus'. In fact, pretty much anyone can be a different kind of 'Haus', as long as you fit the other guidelines (liking alcohol, the ability to exude palpable sarcasm, etc.) But it doesn't matter if you're married or unmarried, male or female, and whether or not you're in love with someone of the same sex, different sex, if you're asexual, a dendrophiliac (likes to get nasty with trees)-- as long as you can do a shot without wincing and halfway clean a kitchen (especially if you can do them at the same time), you're welcome here :) 

However, not everyone can be considered a "HausFrau". That title is one that is for females who are married.
If you are a female, but unmarried, you are a "HausFrauline".
If you are a male who is married, you are a "Hausband".
If you are a male, but unmarried, you are a "HausHans".


If you want to be 'Haus', we're glad to have you.


So let's all raise a very full glass (I'm drinking armaretto and sour), and...

Cheers!
HausFrau Keighley

HausFrau Keighley: In case of...Dinosaurs!

HausFrau Keighley says, "Always break eggs over the trashcan or garbage disposal, in case your regular chicken eggs were replaced with incubating monsters. One can never be too careful!"

As a first in a new series beginning here at HausFrau Keighley, "In case of...", I will be sharing how you can protect yourself, family and home from different possible invaders. Today, we focus on dinosaurs!

In the off (but not impossible) chance that dinosaurs invade your neighborhood, it's better to be prepared than not! So, my HausFriends, let's take a look at what you can do to protect your house from those Jurassic Jerks!

The first and most obvious option is dressing up as a dinosaur, learning how to enjoy eating leafy plants/smaller dinosaurs, and try to live among them. If, however, herd life is not appealing, here are a few other ideas! Enjoy!

-If you have any extra vegetation around your house, now is the time to utilize it! Rake as much of it as you can to the front of your house, and start gluing/sticking/arranging it so that your house is camouflaged. If dinosaurs are wandering around the neighborhood, it's very likely that they're confused and disoriented by the time travel. That, or they've been hatched and grown in a lab, and so they'll be disoriented anyways by being let out into the world. After the first house, I assume they'll have learned (I imagine they're smart) that the big boxes have little people inside. But if you hide those boxes behind trees and leaves (but not that smart) you should be fine!

- Goats*. Unfortunately, there needs to, at some point, be a sacrifice. Now, don't get me wrong. I like goats, but I like my life a bit more. If you leave a goat out front-- a few hundred yards away though, you don't want them getting TOO close to your house-- they should eat it, take their little snack and be on their way. To those big boxes of yummy people (who are your neighbors, by the way-- they should have done the goat! you warned them! ...or didn't, which was an evil genius kind of move). Of course, you may want to have a kennel of back-up goats. They might start to expect their midday treats. 'If you give a mouse a cookie', and so forth. Just...on a much larger, scarier scale.

-Coat yourself in T-rex urine**. Or...stegosaurus urine. Or maybe your own urine. You know what, give your significant other a ton of liquor, and let them go crazy 'marking their territory'. I mean, if we've got dinosaurs running around, no one is going to really comment on the fact that your house smells like pee. In fact, if anyone comes around, they're probably coated in it too, and won't judge you. And then you can all drink together, and make sure your house is "extra" protected.

-Last but not least, you need alcohol. How else are you going to be able to mark enough territory to keep the dinosaurs away? Plus...there's a fuckin' T-rex nomming on your garden gnomes outside your window. I say gin is in order!


Hope that helped!


Cheers!
HausFrau Keighley

*You can substitute any barnyard/medium sized animal-- just don't make it a fake one. They'd probably be pissed that you thought they weren't smart enough to figure out is was fake, and then eat you anyways.

**I looked it up-- "Jurassic Park 3" tells me that it's T-rex urine. But, you know, better safe than sorry.

Wardrobe!

Haus Frau Keighley says, "When buying clothes, be sure to get them in a couple sizes bigger than you need-- that way, when you're altering them, you can think to yourself, 'damn, I'm a skinny bitch.'"

As a HausFrau, clothing is as important as it is to a Housewife, but for different reasons. For a Housewife, presentation is everything; for a HausFrau, practicality is where it's at. 

For instance, here's a brief look into the housewife wardrobe:

• A housewife wears pretty, light colors to accent her features and skin tone.
• A housewife picks the length of her dress to best display her shapely calves.
• A housewife's jewelery compliments her outfits. 

And a brief peek into the HausFrau wardrobe:

• A HausFrau wears eye-popping, yet dark colors, to disguise any stains that may show up.
• A HausFrau picks the length of her dress keeping in mind how easy it will be to run away from zombies.
• A HausFrau's jewelery compliments her fighting style.

Let's dissect the following outfit I made yesterday:

• The rich, maroon shirt is perfect for hiding wine spills, worcestershire sauce dribbles, and chocolate splotches.

• The dress falls right above my knees, so that there will be no chance for the dress to impede my escape when zombies attack-- I'll be able to sprint, leap over barricades, and climb any trees, all while looking feminine!

• My earrings, which are pearls with a very sharp back, are perfect for putting between fingers and punching, which compliments my "boxing with a twist of ong bak" fighting style perfectly!

See? A perfect outfit for a HausFrau, made from re-purposing my old wardrobe (a favorite, but not too often worn shirt paired with a flowery skirt) to suit my HausFrau needs!

What would your perfect zombie-fighting, cookie baking, oven cleaning outfit look like?


Cheers!
HausFrau Keighley