Haus Frau Keighley says...: HausFrau Keighley: In case of...Your Thanksgiving Turkey Reanimating Itself and Trying to Kill Your Whole Family

HausFrau Keighley says, "You should never drink while using a large knife-- therefore, make sure you drink before, after, or both!"


[before]


[during the use of the knife]


[after]

As the holidays draw nearer, I'm sure all of my HausFriends out there have different worries on their mind:

Will I finish cooking everything I need to?
Am I going to be able to fit in my favorite jeans on Friday?
Is Uncle Bert going to try to set me on fire again? (No? Maybe just me...)

However, I know the real issue that has all of you fretting is the annual, and very common, "What will I do if my Thanksgiving Turkey reanimates itself and tries to kill my entire family?" Luckily, HausFrau Keighley is here for you! I will tell you exactly how to deal with this situation, and in a way that will keep you from breaking a sweat and ruining your hair!

First off, the main advantage that you have is that the zombie Turkey, instead of having feet to stand on, will have nubby bone legs. Once it stands and tries to lunge after you and yours, it's balance will be very thrown off and it's attack will be poorly executed. If your Thanksgiving fare is anything like mine, you will find that you have limitless tools to defend with.

First off, while the Turkey is in the process of reanimating (which could take anywhere between 10 seconds to 3 minutes--depending, of course, how long you cooked it, and what you basted it with) grab your cranberry sauce, throw it in the microwave, nuke it for about 30 seconds, and then chuck it at the legs of the Turkey. Not only will it be slippery and difficult for the Turkey to stand, but once the sauce starts to congeal, it will make it hard for the Turkey to continue stumbling. Along this line of thought, I would also suggest dumping the gravy along it's path.
Next, have everyone at the table push as many random items toward the Turkey to barricade it in the middle of the table so it's easier to attack. Have Grandma roll the rolls at it, your Aunt flick potatoes at it's chest, and your nephew and niece stuff stuffing in it's neck hole. Anything you can do to make that Turkey heavier and ungainly will make it easier to defeat.
The next step is one of the most obvious: grab your knife, and do your best to stab the Turkey. If it's too wobbly and tricky to make a connection, move to your next best tool:
Electric Carving Knife-- it's like a chainsaw! Just...on a much smaller, cuter scale. Accuracy isn't as much the aim as just hitting the Turkey at all. Everyone knows that to kill a zombie, you cut off it's head. Unfortunately, a Turkey's head is already cut off, so your best bet is just to dismember as much of it as possible. Of course, if all of this fails, your last (and, as always, best!) resort is to use...

[drumroll please!]

Alcohol! Take a swig of some vodka, spit it at the Turkey, and light that sucker on fire! I would tell you just to throw the bottle or pour it on it, but this way you get to at least enjoy the taste before losing it all. And, of course, while your Zombie Turkey is all aflame, struggling to stumble through what remains of your Thanksgiving dinner, go ahead and take another swig-- a few, if you can. With all the hungry, terrified relatives you have left to feed, you're going to need it!