HausFrau Keighley: In case of...Your Thanksgiving Turkey Reanimating Itself and Trying to Kill Your Whole Family

HausFrau Keighley says, "You should never drink while using a large knife-- therefore, make sure you drink before, after, or both!"

[before]

[during the use of the knife]

[after]

As the holidays draw nearer, I'm sure all of my HausFriends out there have different worries on their mind:

• Will I finish cooking everything I need to?
• Am I going to be able to fit in my favorite jeans on Friday?
• Is Uncle Bert going to try to set me on fire again? (No? Maybe just me...) 

However, I know the real issue that has all of you fretting is the annual, and very common, "What will I do if my Thanksgiving Turkey reanimates itself and tries to kill my entire family?" Luckily, HausFrau Keighley is here for you! I will tell you exactly how to deal with this situation, and in a way that will keep you from breaking a sweat and ruining your hair!


First off, the main advantage that you have is that the zombie Turkey, instead of having feet to stand on, will have nubby bone legs. Once it stands and tries to lunge after you and yours, it's balance will be very thrown off and it's attack will be poorly executed. If your Thanksgiving fare is anything like mine, you will find that you have limitless tools to defend with.

• First off, while the Turkey is in the process of reanimating (which could take anywhere between 10 seconds to 3 minutes--depending, of course, how long you cooked it, and what you basted it with) grab your cranberry sauce, throw it in the microwave, nuke it for about 30 seconds, and then chuck it at the legs of the Turkey. Not only will it be slippery and difficult for the Turkey to stand, but once the sauce starts to congeal, it will make it hard for the Turkey to continue stumbling. Along this line of thought, I would also suggest dumping the gravy along it's path.
• Next, have everyone at the table push as many random items toward the Turkey to barricade it in the middle of the table so it's easier to attack. Have Grandma roll the rolls at it, your Aunt flick potatoes at it's chest, and your nephew and niece stuff stuffing in it's neck hole. Anything you can do to make that Turkey heavier and ungainly will make it easier to defeat.
• The next step is one of the most obvious: grab your knife, and do your best to stab the Turkey. If it's too wobbly and tricky to make a connection, move to your next best tool:
• Electric Carving Knife-- it's like a chainsaw! Just...on a much smaller, cuter scale. Accuracy isn't as much the aim as just hitting the Turkey at all. Everyone knows that to kill a zombie, you cut off it's head. Unfortunately, a Turkey's head is already cut off, so your best bet is just to dismember as much of it as possible. Of course, if all of this fails, your last (and, as always, best!) resort is to use...

[drumroll please!]

• Alcohol! Take a swig of some vodka, spit it at the Turkey, and light that sucker on fire! I would tell you just to throw the bottle or pour it on it, but this way you get to at least enjoy the taste before losing it all. And, of course, while your Zombie Turkey is all aflame, struggling to stumble through what remains of your Thanksgiving dinner, go ahead and take another swig-- a few, if you can. With all the hungry, terrified relatives you have left to feed, you're going to need it!

[hausfrau and defeated turkey carcass]

Happy Thanksgiving, and Cheers!

HausFrau Keighley

HausFrau vs Housewife...Decorating!

HausFrau Keighley says, "The best part of decorations is that they hide the dust!"

[housewife and hausfrau]

Last time you saw Housewife, we introduced you to some of the general points of opposition between her and your typical HausFrau. Today, we narrow the focus a bit in another new series here on HausFrau:

HausFrau vs. Housewife

The focus of this week? Decorating!

Let's begin!

A Housewife chooses decorations based on how pleasing they are to the eye, and whether or not they mesh with the color scheme of the room and season.

[housewife]

A HausFrau chooses decorations based on whether or not she can successfully store booze in them!

[hausfrau]

A Housewife picks characters that will be pleasant and non-threatening toward children, and invoke a sense of nostalgia for all adults.

[housewife]

A HausFrau chooses characters that can become anthropomorphic, sentient drinking buddies with enough spiked eggnog.

[hausfrau]

A Housewife's decorating motto is, "Less is More!"

[housewife]

A HausFrau's decorating motto is, "Go Big or Go Home!"

[hausfrau]

Cheers!

HausFrau Keighley 

(and Housewife!)

Too Much To Do-- Must Clone Myself.

HausFrau Keighley says, "If you've got too much work to do, cloning yourself is a viable option to get it all done!"

In today's adventure, I will show you what it is like to clone yourself to help out! 

The best thing about a MiniHaus is that is enables you to do everything twice as fast.

With two people mixing, instead of stirring for ten minutes, it's cut down to five!

However, that increased speed can also mean that more batter will fly out and hit one of you. And, since your MiniHaus is smaller (less target space), it's more likely to hit you.

And, of course, since you cloned yourself, your MiniHaus is also chock full of sarcasm. Expect laughter, not sympathy.

With a MiniHaus, you both get to check to make sure there is no poison, so your family is doubly safe!

But the best part of having a MiniHaus?

You get to purchase twice the amount of alcohol, and in mini-me sizes!

However, since they're so small, their system probably couldn't handle it...

So you get to drink all of it! 

If they try to fight you on it, stick out your arm, hold their head, and drink while giggling and watching their tiny little legs and fists flail about ineffectively.

Viola!

My adventures with a MiniHaus.

Cheers!

HausFrau Keighley (and minihaus!)

(Big thanks to my friends Adam and Bekah for letting me borrow their adorable daughter-- the muffins turned out excellent!)

So...just who can be 'Haus'?

HausFrau Keighley says, "If you stand while eating, you only get half the calories!"

I've been asked by people if they can be considered a "HausFrau", if they aren't married. The sad answer is no, they can't.

The good news, however, is that they still can be 'Haus'. In fact, pretty much anyone can be a different kind of 'Haus', as long as you fit the other guidelines (liking alcohol, the ability to exude palpable sarcasm, etc.) But it doesn't matter if you're married or unmarried, male or female, and whether or not you're in love with someone of the same sex, different sex, if you're asexual, a dendrophiliac (likes to get nasty with trees)-- as long as you can do a shot without wincing and halfway clean a kitchen (especially if you can do them at the same time), you're welcome here :) 

However, not everyone can be considered a "HausFrau". That title is one that is for females who are married.
If you are a female, but unmarried, you are a "HausFrauline".
If you are a male who is married, you are a "Hausband".
If you are a male, but unmarried, you are a "HausHans".


If you want to be 'Haus', we're glad to have you.


So let's all raise a very full glass (I'm drinking armaretto and sour), and...

Cheers!
HausFrau Keighley

HausFrau Keighley: In case of...Dinosaurs!

HausFrau Keighley says, "Always break eggs over the trashcan or garbage disposal, in case your regular chicken eggs were replaced with incubating monsters. One can never be too careful!"

As a first in a new series beginning here at HausFrau Keighley, "In case of...", I will be sharing how you can protect yourself, family and home from different possible invaders. Today, we focus on dinosaurs!

In the off (but not impossible) chance that dinosaurs invade your neighborhood, it's better to be prepared than not! So, my HausFriends, let's take a look at what you can do to protect your house from those Jurassic Jerks!

The first and most obvious option is dressing up as a dinosaur, learning how to enjoy eating leafy plants/smaller dinosaurs, and try to live among them. If, however, herd life is not appealing, here are a few other ideas! Enjoy!

-If you have any extra vegetation around your house, now is the time to utilize it! Rake as much of it as you can to the front of your house, and start gluing/sticking/arranging it so that your house is camouflaged. If dinosaurs are wandering around the neighborhood, it's very likely that they're confused and disoriented by the time travel. That, or they've been hatched and grown in a lab, and so they'll be disoriented anyways by being let out into the world. After the first house, I assume they'll have learned (I imagine they're smart) that the big boxes have little people inside. But if you hide those boxes behind trees and leaves (but not that smart) you should be fine!

- Goats*. Unfortunately, there needs to, at some point, be a sacrifice. Now, don't get me wrong. I like goats, but I like my life a bit more. If you leave a goat out front-- a few hundred yards away though, you don't want them getting TOO close to your house-- they should eat it, take their little snack and be on their way. To those big boxes of yummy people (who are your neighbors, by the way-- they should have done the goat! you warned them! ...or didn't, which was an evil genius kind of move). Of course, you may want to have a kennel of back-up goats. They might start to expect their midday treats. 'If you give a mouse a cookie', and so forth. Just...on a much larger, scarier scale.

-Coat yourself in T-rex urine**. Or...stegosaurus urine. Or maybe your own urine. You know what, give your significant other a ton of liquor, and let them go crazy 'marking their territory'. I mean, if we've got dinosaurs running around, no one is going to really comment on the fact that your house smells like pee. In fact, if anyone comes around, they're probably coated in it too, and won't judge you. And then you can all drink together, and make sure your house is "extra" protected.

-Last but not least, you need alcohol. How else are you going to be able to mark enough territory to keep the dinosaurs away? Plus...there's a fuckin' T-rex nomming on your garden gnomes outside your window. I say gin is in order!


Hope that helped!


Cheers!
HausFrau Keighley

*You can substitute any barnyard/medium sized animal-- just don't make it a fake one. They'd probably be pissed that you thought they weren't smart enough to figure out is was fake, and then eat you anyways.

**I looked it up-- "Jurassic Park 3" tells me that it's T-rex urine. But, you know, better safe than sorry.

Wardrobe!

Haus Frau Keighley says, "When buying clothes, be sure to get them in a couple sizes bigger than you need-- that way, when you're altering them, you can think to yourself, 'damn, I'm a skinny bitch.'"

As a HausFrau, clothing is as important as it is to a Housewife, but for different reasons. For a Housewife, presentation is everything; for a HausFrau, practicality is where it's at. 

For instance, here's a brief look into the housewife wardrobe:

• A housewife wears pretty, light colors to accent her features and skin tone.
• A housewife picks the length of her dress to best display her shapely calves.
• A housewife's jewelery compliments her outfits. 

And a brief peek into the HausFrau wardrobe:

• A HausFrau wears eye-popping, yet dark colors, to disguise any stains that may show up.
• A HausFrau picks the length of her dress keeping in mind how easy it will be to run away from zombies.
• A HausFrau's jewelery compliments her fighting style.

Let's dissect the following outfit I made yesterday:

• The rich, maroon shirt is perfect for hiding wine spills, worcestershire sauce dribbles, and chocolate splotches.

• The dress falls right above my knees, so that there will be no chance for the dress to impede my escape when zombies attack-- I'll be able to sprint, leap over barricades, and climb any trees, all while looking feminine!

• My earrings, which are pearls with a very sharp back, are perfect for putting between fingers and punching, which compliments my "boxing with a twist of ong bak" fighting style perfectly!

See? A perfect outfit for a HausFrau, made from re-purposing my old wardrobe (a favorite, but not too often worn shirt paired with a flowery skirt) to suit my HausFrau needs!

What would your perfect zombie-fighting, cookie baking, oven cleaning outfit look like?


Cheers!
HausFrau Keighley

Should You be a HausFrau?

HausFrau Keighley says, "Every meal is better when it has a theme: apple pie + apple wine = apple hangover! Perfect!"

Now, I'm sure you're all super excited about joining the ranks of HausFrauery, but it's not for everyone. Not every person out there in the blogosphere (or real world) has what it takes to fully commit themselves to the daunting task of transforming into a HausFrau. If you're thinking about it, but aren't sure you're cut out for it, take a look at my guidelines below!

You Should Not Be a HausFrau If:

• You do not like cooking
• You do not like drinking
• You have OCD
• You don't own any aprons
• You don't have opposable thumbs
• You have no sense of humor
• You are incapable of palpable sarcasm
• You don't enjoy being ironic
• You have a weak liver
• You don't have any liver. In fact, you should not only not be a HausFrau, but you probably shouldn't be alive. 

You Should Be a HausFrau If: 

• You clean, but maybe not as well or willingly as you should   
• You make delicious meals, and always make sure to sample as you go
• You have recipes and patterns, but rarely follow them
• You believe anything can be more enjoyable with a swig of something alcoholic 
• You enjoy using German words and German-sounding words for fun
• You are fluent in sarcasm
• You have the ability to cook, clean, and do laundry with drink in hand
• You have an iron liver
• You dislike your liver immensly
• You are part robot, and you dislike your robot liver immensly

Cheers!

HausFrau Keighley

The Difference Between a Housewife and a HausFrau

HausFrau Keighley says, "Now remember ladies, everything should be enjoyed in moderation...especially prim and proper behavior!"

In finding this blog, you may have wondered to yourself, "What's the difference between a Housewife and a HausFrau?". Well, ladies and gents, I'm here to enlighten you!

haus-frau: [hous frou; Eng. howz frou]
noun
1. A woman or wife, most often married, who takes on the role of housewife, with a touch of irony, sarcasm, and a generous heaping of booze.

A Housewife and HausFrau are very similar; on the surface, it may be very easy to confuse the two. The only way to spot a HausFrau is with time and observance, or with an expert to point out the differences between them. So, today I will be your guide, and we will delve into the world of House/Haus wifery!

• A housewife makes sure to clean every single inch of her home immaculately, making sure every surface is squeaky clean for her family and husband!

 [housewife]

• A HausFrau also makes sure that her house is clean, and engages in cleaning techniques, just on a much larger scale.

  [hausfrau]

• A housewife, out of great concern for her family and husband's happiness and welfare, makes sure the table is set, all the food is perfect, and that her family and husband are eating before she allows herself to rest and taste the fruits of her labor.

 [housewife]

• A HausFrau, out of great concern for her family and husband's welfare and happiness, constantly performs taste tests to make sure that the food isn't poisoned.

 [hausfrau]

• A housewife spices up her hot chocolate with a touch of vanilla, and a delicious sprig of cinnamon!

 [housewife]

 

• A HausFrau spices up her hot chocolate with a touch of vanilla, and a delicious swig of cinnamon schnapps!

 [hausfrau]

Now that you've seen a few examples, it should be a bit easier to spot a HausFrau vs. a Housewife. There are other differences, and I take it as one of my sincerest responsibilities to keep your education ongoing, kiddies!

Now that you've had your first lesson, which do you think you are?

A Housewife, or a HausFrau?

 

Cheers!

HausFrauKeighley

A HausFrau's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse, Part One

HausFrau Keighley says, "An empty wine bottle works wonders for bludgeoning those zombies-- so start drinking, Ladies-- the welfare of your family depends on it!"

Sad day-- your neighborhood is being invaded by zombies! Don't worry, everyone goes through this at one point in his or her life. So, stop your pouting! Being a sally sad sack or a grumplestilskin is going to do you no good! In my first installment in teaching you how to deal with these bothersome bullies, we'll discuss the HausFrau's arsenal!

Tips and Tricks!

Besides the good ol’ “bottle-as-bludgeoner”, a prepared HausFrau has many tools at her disposal to keep her sweet little home safe from those nasty zombie invaders. 

Fruitcake. Hooray! Now we have a way to use Aunt Mildred’s annual “gift” to maim/kill some zombie folk. There are several different methods for using fruitcake as a weapon.

1.  Just lob it at their head. 6 or 7 pounds of congealed, hardened fruitcake is enough to knock out Mike Tyson, if you have the right technique. 
2.  If you doubt your lobbing ability, drill a small hole in your fruitcake, pack some gunpowder in it, light a cigarette, jam that in the hole, and chuck it at an approaching hoard. Not only will the explosion probably take down a dozen or so of those flesh-eaters, but the pieces of sharpened fruit shrapnel will embed themselves in the eyes and brains of the far away zombies.  And even if that doesn’t do them in, it should at least slow them down.
3. For those zombies that get close enough (did you even try my other two techniques?), the answer is simple: just make them eat it. I’m a firm believer that fruitcake is inedible, and probably poisonous. Tell them it’s the “Brain du jour”, watch them chow down and then keel over. Use zombie bodies as a barricade against future zombies.

Pots, Pans, and rolling pins. Maybe you don’t have any fruitcake, or ‘chuckin’ fruitcake’ isn’t in your skill set. No matter what the issue, the zombies are getting closer. These three items are not only a staple to a good HausFrau, but are some of the most obvious weapons you have in your arsenal. How many movies have you seen where a belligerent house wife saves her husband/child/lover/friendly neighbor/pet by hitting the back of some murderer’s head with one of these heavy must-haves? After wards, feel free to mutter something really witty before slicing their heads off with a knife, like “Hope you like it well-done” or “The special today is a warm pan of Ijustknockedyouthefuckout”.  

Corncob Holders. If the pans and rolling pins didn’t work, or if, God forbid, you don’t own any of these items, the zombies will be closing in on you. At this point, you’re pretty much screwed, but if you wanna go down with a fight, grab a handful of these bad boys for some eye jabbin’. If you get them in deep enough, you might hit a vital part of the zombie to take them down long enough to escape. If, however, that doesn’t work, how about…

Alcohol! Not for the zombies, of course, but for you. Go to town and drink like a college co-ed on spring break. Maybe the zombies will sense that your booze-addled brain is not really worth trying to eat. Also, if you can’t take your liquor and end up puking on them, perhaps you can light them on fire. Of course, you might die as well in the flames, not being able to make your legs move correctly, but hey—you tried. Gold star for effort!

Cheers!

HausFrauKeighley